Have you ever been in a relationship where you constantly end up chasing your partner? And it seems that no matter how much you try, they seem to be running away from you emotionally and physically? Many people would logically say that maybe ‘He’s (or she’s) Just Not That Into You’; but you’ve noticed that the moment you give up on the relationship, your partner magically returns back emotionally. Or maybe, you love your partner but you feel as if you’re being chased in the relationship by them. And this simply makes you more uncomfortable with your feelings and emotions, making you avoid them. Well, science has an answer to this push-and-pull dynamic in relationships and, apparently, it is more common globally than you think!
The science of attraction: The attachment theoryThe ‘Attachment theory’ was developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s and, as the name suggests, it explores the deep emotional bonds that form between children and their primary caregivers, who are typically the mother. In this study, Bowlby believed that one’s attachment system is biologically programmed and plays a huge role in not just the survival but also the overall development of a child.
Bowlby’s attachment theory is based on the idea that kids naturally have an ability to form emotional bonds with others, which gives them with a sense of security. And so, their early relationships (mainly with their primary caregiver– which is their mother) sets the foundation for how children understand the world and interact with others later on in life.
One of the main ideas of the attachment theory is having a secure base. Explaining this idea, Bowlby suggested that a kid feels secure when they know that their primary caregiver/ mother is always available and responsive to their needs. This creates a safe and secure base for the child so that they can freely explore their environment; the child knows that their caregiver is always there to comfort and support them when needed. However, when the primary caregiver is unavailable it makes the child insecure.
The different types of attachment patterns in John Bowlby’s ‘Attachment theory’, based on how children respond when they are separated and later reunited with their caregivers, are:
1. Secure attachment style includes children who are secure in their relationships, and know that their primary caregiver is always there for them.
2. Anxious attachment styles are kids who are insecure of their primary caregiver’s availability and so they become too dependent on them. They are often anxious thinking that they’ll be abandoned by their caregiver.
3. Avoidant attachment: On the contrary, when a primary caregiver is unavailable, some children become too self-dependent that they avoid closeness or emotional dependence on others altogether. They become indifferent to their caregiver’s presence or absence.
4. Disorganised attachment style includes kids who display inconsistent behaviours– they can show both avoidant and anxious personalities due to unresolved trauma or fear of the caregiver.
In the ‘Attachment theory’, John Bowlby further states that the relationship a child has with their primary caregivers (typically mothers) has a profound effect on their adult relationships too. And so, how one was raised and the equation they had with their mother is often reflected in their romantic relationships as well, later on in life.
Why are anxious people attracted to avoidant partners?
Following John Bowlby’s ‘Attachment theory’, one can now notice how some people (read: the anxious types) end up chasing the emotionally distant partner (read: the avoidant types) in romantic relationships. But why are anxious people so often attracted to avoidant partners? Shedding light on this, Dr. Swetha Gullapalli, Consultant Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist, Aasra Clinic- Hyderabad told us, “Anxious and avoidant personalities, both stem from childhood insecurities and their actions are directed towards reducing an anticipated anxiety.”
Elaborating this she further said, “The anxious personalities are attracted to the independent and resilient nature of the avoidant personality hoping it may fix their anxieties. And, the avoidant personalities are attracted to the pursuit of closeness and dependence by an anxious partner as they subconsciously crave for that connection.” However, once the initial attraction fades, is when reality hits, and the anxious and avoidant personality types start showing their innermost fears and traits.
So, are there any signs to know if a person is anxious or avoidant personality type early on in a relationship? Answering this, Dr. Swetha Gullapalli told us, “People with an anxious attachment style tend to be sensitive to rejection and have a strong desire for closeness. They may become nervous about being apart from their partner. While, people with an avoidant attachment style tend to be more self-reliant and uncomfortable with becoming close to others. They may pull away or shut down to protect the relationship from conflict.”
On the contrary, a securely attached person seems to be confident and warm in relationships. They know that how other’s appear in a relationship is a reflection of their inner self. “If you’re secure, you’re very reliable, consistent, and trustworthy. You don’t try to dodge intimacy or go nuts over your relationships. There’s very little drama in your relationship ties– no highs and lows, no yo-yos and roller coasters to speak of,” write Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller in their book ‘Attached’. And so, a securely attached person seldom chooses to be with someone who exhibits hot and cold behaviour in long-term relationships.
Is love enough?
But, what if an anxious and an avoidant personality type are already married? Is their relationship doomed or can their relationship survive the test of time? When asked how to make an anxious-avoidant dynamic work, Dr. Swetha Gullapalli said, “It’s important to work on our own insecurities, take ownership of our actions, understand the baggage that we are bringing into the relationship and its impact on our partner.”
While understanding oneself is the first step to having better relationships with others, one should also be mindful of the expectations they have from others. Elaborating this, Dr. Gullapalli added, “Having realistic expectations on each other is the key to start acting on our weaknesses. What we see in the other person is our own projected image based on our fantasies. We see what we want to see and not what’s there most of the time, when we are blinded by our own problems.”
And so, knowing your and your partner’s attachment style can help you navigate the challenges of the relationship. For instance, the anxious person can focus more on themselves through self-care activities like meditation, journaling, or having a support system of friends and family, which is apart from their partner. This will make their avoidant partner feel more comfortable in the relationship; it will also give them the time and space they need, and they’ll come back recharged in the relationship. On the other hand, an avoidant partner too should intentionally plan to spend more quality time with their anxious partner to make them feel loved, heard, and supported.
As it is often said, love is a verb and it takes constant and intentional efforts to make a relationship last a lifetime.
